Jew ban - No this title has no anti semitic relationships, its just a number!

Let me re-introduce myself it been soo long - Hajimemashite Kane desu....

I apologise for my inability to update this more regularily - but I must admit I suffer from a terrible disease that has rendered me incapable over the last month from attending to this blog like I should be - its called lazyness.

This time i begin by asking myself - Over the last month what has inspired me so much that i feel the need to write about this time? Oh damn it, I've drawn a blank......... again! Hmmmm if I just start typing things should happen.

Well to pick up from where i left you last i know some of you are wondering how things are going with the new female friend..... sadly it has all come to an end - short lived but enjoyable, she really was a lovely girl. I think the inability to convey simple ideas to one another may have worked against us a little - but in another life when we are both born again as praying mantis I'm sure we will understand one another much more effectively! I must say, her confusion with the word home and homo did make me laugh - you can imagine the side ways l

ooks when the night draws to an end and she announces to you that its time to leave? - "Lets go homo!"

Now shopping here - it never ceases to amaze me! I went down the other day to buy washing powder and normally i think most people who don't know what they are buying here kinda find an item that they know works and stick with it..... but when your item to buy is out of stock your world falls apart! You're walking the shop isles like a lost pup unwittingly purchasing floor cleaner to wash your clothes with......... life can only get easier if you mi

ss the washing machine while pouring it in!

While on the topic of shops and food i have to quickly mention marketing here - I'm not really even a fan of chocolate (where is this going you might ask?) but i found myself buying a

block of it just the other day based on its marketing - how can you walk past something and not become curious when its name is "LOOK"?

Ok enough about the food aye? So I gave the Karaoke buzz another go - i thought when in "Rome do as the Romans do" - nup...... its just not on. I gave it a solid effort while i was there (obviously few beers under the influence) but......... an awesome sound system pushed into a room just big enough for a dining table while blaring out the sound of your own voice screaming a god awful rendition of some queen song you barely know doesn't tickle my fancy that much - i must admit watching the other characters i was with bang out their songs while screaming almost inaudible conversations to one another was pretty fun though..... however, a converted Karaoke fan i don't think your going to see happen with this kiwi!

Now I had a TV delivered from a very generous mate in Tokyo (cheers Russ bro!) - but I'm buggered if i have used it much...... i don't know why i thought at least one channel was going to be English spoken???? I think it was at this point it dawned on me that life is well and truly immersed in Japanese right now! The guy who dropped it off was called Jew ichi - this is eleven in English..... I found this kind of amusing - what were his parents thinking? Maybe he has 10 brothers or sisters i thought and his parents became sick of coming up with new names by the time he arrived? This was just a little moment i had that i thought i would share with you as i didn't think it was appropriate to bring up with him. !

Oh and a shout out to the work security - I have Internet at home now so no more late nights at work for me, having to deal with you calling up and wanting me to answer half a dozen questions in Japanese while my brother listens to, and laughs at me, on skype, at my most awesome Japanese skills. A little achievement im happy to have sorted out now only 6 months into my stay!

You maybe reading this in the morning but its night for me so Oyasumi!

Kyu ban - a dinner of sorts, a no pants party and theres something in my canal!

Ok so i last left you with my introduction to a Japanese girl on a camping trip..... after the camp, with the help of a book (that was ever so kindly given to me by a very good friend before i left), I was able to ask her out for a meal and thus I took her out for dinner, the story of this evening is where we shall begin this continuation of the chronicles of Kane.

To avoiding boring you with grandiose descriptions of how i felt before we went out i will just say that 15 mins before we were supposed to meet i had butterflies that were flying so high i felt like my stomach was in my neck. It wasn't the nerves of boy meets girl but the nerves of boy cant speak English with girl........... OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!? A friend from work has given me an electronic translation dictionary for the evening - in my hands i hold my life line to not dying an ever so slow and painful death........ i look up the word "nervous" as i sit and wait - Fuan desu.

She arrives and we go and eat - im not going to go into the events of the evening in depth but one moment that stands out for me was the inability to decipher the (what seemed like) completely irregular brush strokes on the menu - oh geez I cant order anything on here! Another critical factor i have failed to consider, I let her take the reigns with ordering and agree with everything she decides to get - berru - i know that one! HAI! The meal and conversation was not as tough as you may imagine it to be - we both struggled at times, but with a little persistence our point was made (or so we thought - for the record there is nothing tasty about eating a filter - let alone the one called a liver!). The evening went well and even though there was a combination of poor Japanese and equally poor English we came out the other end smiling happily - its funny how some people who speak perfect English can annoy you just being in their presence yet someone who barely speaks English can have you in fits of laughter and enjoying their company....... ohh to understand what is really happening in our heads when we meet someone new.

Now the other point i have to quickly make here is that Japanese girls do seem to be very subservient - she came over the other day and I took a shower...... thinking she would most likely entertain herself in my house full of excitement (it is admittedly an empty house), I came out to find all my washing had been ironed, my lounge had been tidied and my dishes were at that moment being washed............ it was just weird, but nice weird.

So last week I went to a pool party - there was a pool and a party and a couple of naked dudes - i dont want to talk about it ever again. The food was great - bbqs made from empty barrels cut in half and put on poles covered with chicken wire is an untapped market here........ or so i believe, and its what i think that makes the most sense (to me anyway).

I should also mention Japans mind boggling maze of canals... you wouldn't think it, but this place has so many you would be mistaken for living somewhere in Europe below sea level, if only the number of people with almond shaped eyes didnt give it away.... outside my house i was doing a sideways shimmy to the supermarket and noticed the level of water in the canal had dropped dramatically, I peered in and was surprised to see not one or two fish but tens of fish surrounding and undoubtedly annoying a much larger fish (it was at least the length of my fore arm)! I continued to stroll a little further, and thinking i had seen a one off, I was rather chuffed at myself for spotting this, however I looked in again to see another two massive fish......... so this is where all that bloody sushi is coming from i thought - to the supermarket to by a hook, line and sinker!

Oh yeah and also very quickly - They had a solar eclipse here the other day, staring at the sun without having the correct glasses doesn't make you tough, it makes you stupid with sore eyes.

I hope you're all smiling and listening to what your mother says! Till next time Ja-ne from this Zespri abroad.

Hachi ban - monkey madness, head harrassment and a warm awakening.

Right 3 main topics this time round - Hairdressing, hot chicks and heat waves.

First things first though - Due to a number of requests regarding updates on here and not receiving notifications and blah blah blah if you start following this blog on the left hand side of your screen then I will recognise this as an open invitation to email and remind you - alternatively if you know my email address then you can request an update.... I stopped emailing this rubbish out because i wasn't sure if everyone (apart from my mother x) particularly enjoyed receiving it through email..... turns out a few of you didn't mind.

righty ho and with that being said and done lets get back to it aye?

So we shall start the tales with hair dressing this time round - I went in for a cut and came out with a head that feels like its spent an evening in a gentlemans club.

Ok so its a Wednesday afternoon..... I know I can spare 15 minutes or so as i have no classes in the afternoon - I decide its time to tidy this mo-hawk monstrosity on top of my head up (also for other reasons that will become more apparent later on). I walk down the road to the hairdressers and case the place first..... Its the kind of "across the road pacing" that one might see if they were a fly on the wall to a burglary that is about to happen. "Na - to many cars" i think to myself as a pound the foot path on the opposite side of the road, "If im going to make a dick of myself not being able to speak properly then im doing it in front of the least amount of people possible". Instead I choose a location 200 meters up the road which luckily for me is without a single customer inside. I blurt the only Japanese i know all too well which is basically a certifiable statement that im a dunce.... "Japanese i dont understand".

Im bowed to (which just means 'game on' as far as im concerned) and im lead to my hair wash super head touching chair, a towel is placed over my uncontrolled smiling face and the erotic finger dancing on my skull begins.... you know that feeling just before you go to sleep and your body twitches as you bounce back to reality - i was there. So i dont need to really go into details here but i got my haircut and skull touched and then washed 3 times - i found it kinda funny that they would put gel in my hair then wash it again only to put gel in it again. They gave my back a massage (unrelated to my head im sure, but i have since been told it is part of the treatment) and at this point the girl tried speaking English to me - i forget what she said but im sure my response was closer to that of a well drunk sounding kiwi. At the end of it all it cost me a good 70 bucks at least, but hey honestly is was all well worth every yen dropped.....

Now the heat here is not only (suprise surprise again) hot but an excuse to be noisy - well the bloody cicadas seem to think so anyway. Have you ever been on a farm and heard those massive irrigation hoses... they click back and forward shooting out a jet of water. Now multiply that 1 irrigation system by 1000 and you have something close to the noise i hear most mornings that i wake. Kinda bugging i find it.

I went back to Nimi last weekend and became a mosquito main course. We were going back for a camping session this time and an arranged meeting - i got the aforementioned haircut (you dont get a chance to make first impressions twice and i wasnt making mine with a bloody mankhawk haircut!) for obvious reasons now. Im not going to go into it but it was an enjoyable weekend - i wasnt really expecting much but was plesantly surprised when she arrived. I think her not understanding a lick of english is a novelty for now, lets see how it really goes after this thursdays dinner meet without a translator ha ha

oh yeah and monkeys - i gotta mention the monkeys! Honestly no more than 100 meters from our tent a bunch of super swinging monkeys rocked passed - they were just on the hunt for berries i think. I was sitting there watching a tree rock and sway so unaturally i thought an asian fulla was going to bust out of the bush. I asked the girl i was standing with "what the hell is going on with that tree"? With no clue what so ever we both decided to go and investigate. We got within 50 meters of the tree and a monkey pokes his head out - he was stuffing his face with berries and as quickly as we saw him he swung off........ We stood and watched the hillside for a while and quickly realised he wasnt alone - im not sure how many of the little buggers there were but im sure i saw one mate that i left back in New Zealand swing by.

Take it easy, dont be sleazy, this kiwi is super rockin Japaneasy!

Nana Ban - lets play with something, how about your life?

So where to start with the tales of stupidity this time? The beginning is always a good place to start.......

Last weekend I took a cab home from the pub in town..... after the owner of the pub had closed the bar down, we both strolled toward the taxi stand - he asked me as we walked toward the cab if i knew my address..... I repeated my address to him and then he asked me if i knew where i lived, i thought that because he was Australian this might explain in part his reasoning for asking me the same question twice and then just wording it differently......... However not realising in my slightly inebriated state that these two questions are far from being the same!

I get in the cab and bid farewell to my Australasian publican and his Japanese girlfriend. I rattle of my address which almost states everything including the planet I live on an we begin to move - driving driving driving........ I wonder if we should be home by now I think to myself? Then he starts to speak Japanese to me - "geez mate steady on - I don't know what your saying - take me to the supermarket..." I reply. God I know my address but I'm probably saying it wrong - I have no idea where I live......... Thaaaats what the publican meant!! Arghhh - I know the supermarket is by my house and its called "Happy's" - "hey mate take me to Happy's, Happy's, Happy's"..... in any other country and I would have possibly ended up in some other compromising situation by proclaiming that - but luckily for me I got home.... oh to be happy I thought..... but the poor driver I could tell was not happy and not about to pick up another foreigner in a rush.

So last weekend I went out to a place called Nimi.... now theres not much that rivals the ongoing blissful beauty that is the New Zealand landscape - but if Japan and New Zealand were drunken blokes in a bar......... well................. Japan wouldn't be blamed for having the unprovoked balls to poke New Zealand in his chest with Nimi standing in Japans corner.

This place was postcard picture perfect - the trees covered the hills with a leaf that seemed unnaturally soft to look at, the water was like a mirror that had been slid up alongside the lake bank reflecting everything that looked down upon it and we baked in sun that almost found you searching for shade.

The people I was with pulled out their kayaks and I abstained from this venture for reasons obvious to some....... taking in my surroundings and enjoying the company of a frog with a florescent green stripe down its back was entertaining enough...... and simple things amuse those with simple of minds I guess...... a friend and I looked after the bbq anyway (small side note - girls in Asia and Europe just want to play with bbqs like girls in New Zealand...... it doesn't matter where you are, the female form are yet to comprehend that the bbq is a mans out door kitchen - you've got one in the house we dont play with so dont play with ours when we are outdoors).

The others come back and we feast on Japanese bbq which is like a pretty and dainty version of a kiwi bbq, thin strips of meat with kebabs of chicken and asparagus......... it really is fantastic!

So we finish up - we get a few beers in us and the others decide to go kayaking again - only this time im not getting out of it. I remember kayaking at college - taming the Otaki forks and floundering around in the Waikanae pools as we learnt Eskimo rolls (is it an Inuit roll now to get all p.c?). We have a 2 seater kayak that the others kindly hold while I squeeze inside..... its a bit tight I think, but hey I remember how to vacate a kayak if anything goes wrong..... and like anything is going to go wrong anyway ha ha - we've only been drinking a little (hic) im partnered with a kayaking newbie and I haven't done this in over 10 years....... Lets go destroy this lake!

So we paddle off and within 10 minutes (if that) of leaving the dock we realise something is horribly wrong with the boat (most likely the passengers). We are struggling to keep it going straight and we are doing massive bumble bee turns on the water.......... just take it nice and easy, nice and easy................ oh bugger that, lets just splash each other! Half in a state of wanting to play and half in a state of wanting to sort out the damn boats steering im not paying much attention to the other kayak which is barreling straight for us........ this is when my chest apparently attacked another kayakers oar - the post event claim if things had turned really sour and the police were to be asking questions (my uncontrollable chest, does something sound a little off here ha ha ha). The boat tips and it rolls left once, it rolls left twice, im thinking we're still ok...... third time was not so lucky and over we go....... now what i remember from what we were taught at school was to correct the oar, flip the boat up again, paddle inland and do a haka.... However I went under, biffed my oar, and attempted to roll out of the kayak................hmmm im stuck in a kayak under water, without my oar, upside down and running out of air......... was that last beer such a good idea i wonder? Its funny how the green haze of the lake just calms you as you batter yourself to remove the kayak your attached to....... I come up for air to faces staring very concernedly at the water that I've just pierced through...... theres silence for all of two seconds followed by an uncontrollable laughter - as my kayaking partner swims closer i notice the water gets warmer - oh the hilarity of the stupidity of the situation i find myself in! I think it was a solid 5 minutes of laughing before i can bring myself to actually accuse the aforementioned of relieving himself in the water.......... for which he strongly yet smilingly denies. Im towed ashore with a kayak full of water and another body hanging on to empty our vessel and attempt stupidity 101 again, however second time around it is a much more sober affair......... I mean how do you splash someone satisfactorily if you've already tried drowning them?

Theres more to tell but for now i will leave it at that - I hope your all sitting up straight with your arms folded behaving yourself!

K

Roku ban - A garden without dirt?

Again beginnings.....

To paraphrase someone i know all too well - The way you write seems to be unrepresentative of the way you speak when i call you on skype.... Now to quote - "you write like a smart person but when i talk to you ya still sound like a rangi bro."

Thank-you for your honesty little bro.

So its started to rain outside - apparently its a cycle... a yearly event that happens (surprise surprise) every year. The rain lasts 2 weeks and then you endure a level of humidity close to the feeling, that could accurately be described as living in a bowl of jelly (this is how i have interpreted what i have been told anyway).

Pff - bring it...

So as i do most weekends, i find myself standing in the supermarket intrigued, while at the same time oblivious to every label that surrounds me.... im not going to try and make this sound any smarter than it was, but have you ever bought a beer only to find out its a super fizzy apple juice? Yeah probably not - it was gutting - but then it gets worse when a friend comes round and tells you the beer you thought you had bought is actually called "kids drink"....... yeah even more dissapointing.

Speaking of beer, I went out to a beer "garden" last weekend - a brilliant idea that would never work in New Zealand (due to our national inherent nature to excessively drink till we do something stupid or collapse) but it was fascinating non the less. Basically you pay $50.00 and you can eat and drink all you want for a two hour period... no one told us to leave so we stayed till closing enjoying the delights of hot saki (which seems to all of a sudden hit you like a left hook, unsuspectingly delivered by a fat girl at a cake eating competition because you looked at her cake with desire). The event was held on the roof of some high rise building in the middle of town that they had covered in astro turf and decked out with outdoor dining..... I did enjoy the evening and i feel as though the evening enjoyed me.

Ok so im going to cut out now and go explain the spoken difference between 1 woman and a group of women to a group of 7 year olds (some of you will understand this ever so tough pronuciation for me).

play nicely now........

K

Go ban - Is that edible?

The word blog just makes me think of bogans...... so this probably wont end well.

As im sitting here at my desk i think about the children that im supposed to be teaching and how i could incorporate safety around the home into this months lesson plan...... may be i should go and teach them how running with knives or scissors isnt safe........ while i contemplate this thought i also have to consider how much damage could be done with one unsupervised 5 year old and a box of matches...... ahhh theres only 50 matches in the box and its not like i left him with a lighter right?? Lighters seem to last forever, matches do run out.... eventually, and its not like I gave him any cigarettes!

Now with 50 matches of spare time I can update you with my travels again.....

I have now got myself hooked up with a..... small, black, inexpensive communicator..... named candy, na its just a phone and it doesnt have a strippers name. The phones here are pretty cool.... they all have buttons (no surprises there), but im not sure what half of the buttons do - it was a purchase that in previous years would have fascinated me but now im finding is super overwhelming.... click this to do that and click that to do this and then you have text messaging that is more about sending little pictures of your desires as opposed to letters to create words that state your actual wishes (which seems much more logical to me).

Anyway (cellphone stupidness out of the way)......... I went out to a true blue foreigner get together the other night, it was great.... we sat around and drunk and talked and drunk a little more and talked a little louder and louder and then smacked out a few chords of rockband......... its a universal source of entertainment but I still hate karaoke with a vengence! Karaoke just seems to be like verbal heroin here - if your not hooked when you arrive then you will be when you leave and i refuse to entertain that possibility. Some say "its about having confidence to get up and sing a few lines for everyone - show your balls" i say "leave it to those who can sing..................... which isnt you so SIT DOWN"! At the end of the day - the place where this idiocy took place was gorgeous.... a rather big Japanese style house set in the country - oh the coolness of it all!

I went out last night and fulfilled that desire i have had since i arrived.......i ate a whale, well not a whole one but i took 2 bites out of one - its really not worth the green peace aggression the Japanese get from going after it..... speaking of eating weird stuff.... i just ate what i thought was sherbert and it wasnt...... my fingers are dyed red and my mouth is red too.......... god help me if that was rat poison...... everyday not knowing how to read turns your life into a game of roulette.

Before i wrap it up i have to send a shout out to my mother and father - well done on your Qatar appointment! You're never too old to get involved right!!!!??

Oh yeah and im on skype now so it would be good to here from one or two of you - my name in Japan should find me quickly enough.

so slap ya later

chur chur bros

K

Shi ban - alone in a land of togetherness.

* Photo missing

Dear you,

The worst thing about writing a blog, is having to write the first line..... its like thinking of something witty or different to write inside a birthday card..... no matter how many times you write and erase your efforts, these attempts never seem to be funny, interesting, thoughtful or quirky enough....... and you end up just settling with some mindless generic drivel.... so happy birthday to all of you even if its not your birthday.

Now my adventures to date have not lessened by any extent - and this place, as most of you who read these rants will be aware, is just nuts.

I have shifted into my own apartment and am enjoying my own space - its larger than a shoebox but smaller than an Egyptian pyramid...... now hows that for a definitive description? Basically its all good and gives me time to get away from everyone and everyone has time to get away from me....

I went shopping the other day for groceries...... god what a trip!!! They have amazing fruit and vege here that tastes so fresh and clean......... don't mind the fact that you going to pay about $20 for a watermelon however!??!!? Yeah yeah - they do get some nice fresh stuff floating about over here (i heard they picked up a drifting whale the other day........ did a few experiments on it and ate the rest...... pff floating freshness!) but you are paying top dollar for that freshness.

I cannot begin to explain dining in Japan. Its like most things here - they haven't invented anything ground breaking or new for themselves - but god, give them an idea that someone else came up with and they can deconstruct it and re-invent it beautifully........... most of the time. They have a huge emphasis on bakeries here but alas no meat pies or baked potatoes....... maybe i could introduce these fine Kiwi/Brit delicacies and find some Asian lass who maybe able to recreate them inclusive of a built in desert of some sort........ or maybe i am just wishful thinking.

I have been back to cult city again (Tendi) - and i have decided i am going to return home to New Zealand at a later date and start my own religion............ There is so much money involved the deceptive arts of religious belief...... And so thus the church of Roperdium shall be born. I have previously discussed this with one person who i believe will enter into this venture with me, and like Scientology i am going to go down the path of "no questions will be answered until i receive monies" - but until then just know that your life is going to be sooo much better belonging to my church...... $5000 min payment.

Now sunsets...... i don't know what it is with this place, maybe it is its location on the globe or something - but the sunsets here are just wow - big, watchable, and reddy orange (funny that, the colour thing, being that it is a sun Kane you fool)........ now they should call this place "land of the setting sun" instead of "land of the rising sun" - i hate mornings and i assume so do most of you - so just think how much more inviting this place could sound if it was "land of the setting sun".......... I'm already thinking island music with Japanese/Hawaiian girls dancing in the foreground of a blissfully fading red hot circle of fire - oh how inviting..... but hey that's just the idea of one Gaijin (foreigner) abroad.

My language skills are building slowly - and i should be able to produce a full sentence understandably in English really soon! My Japanese is getting somewhat better also - but i still have that feeling of needing my hand held......... i cant help but think everything that comes out of my mouth in Japanese is being pronounced wrongly....... it reminds me a lot of speaking English in Britain ha ha

The school kids are a blast - and through self indulgence and by popular demand, I have attached a photo of two of the terrors who teach me more than i teach them....... Junpei and Shuto.

And with that i shall depart by saying, yet again - i have forgotten more than i remembered but it all adds to the tale to be told next time....

So from the Zespri silver in Japan i bid you all farewell till then.

Ja-ne folks :)