Ju Nee ban - childhood memories are not for destroying.

So I didn't post a blog last month....... I broke the rules apparently and I apologise....... are we cool now?

So over the last couple of months on this over populated yet lonely island, I have still managed to engage in a couple of activities that not only give a sense of nostalgia but also enrage, and I have come across oddities for which are referred to as "entertainment" here.

Today we begin with the re-discovery of PEZ! I remember it being different...... really to be honest I remember it being fun. This time - it wasn't. I know, I know....... we should leave the kids stuff to the kids - but it was PEZ! As a child, I spent a few years of my "life discovery" living in the fast paced, high intensity rural township of Dannevirke. I remember there was a small grocery behind Dannevirke high school that used to sell PEZ. A friend and I used to buy them and then go and play down the back of his house in the river and trees while eating the "make believe" pellets of energy from our "make believe" energy dispensers which just so happened to be the PEZ unit itself. 20 something years later, those good times PEZ memories are just that - "memories". I was in my local supermarket the other day and spied this PEZ unit - for those of you who are completely unfamiliar with PEZ (are you amish?) it was the small toy pictured that you loaded with candy, and when you pulled the head back, it would dispense a single unit of one of the loaded candies. Wow, to begin with I don't recall the loading process taking a good half an hour! Obviously my fingers are not as small as they used to be. Holding the unit open with one hand while trying to drop a candy in, without the candy falling on its side, with the other hand was a harder process than I remember......

anyway after a good half an hour of sitting on my couch getting awfully frustrated with incorrectly loaded PEZ candies I finally finished! Only to eat them all less than 5 mins later....... PEZ tastes great..... even better out of the dispenser but not great enough to entice me to load it 3 more times, I thought this as I sat there eating the candy straight from the packet giving the dog faced PEZ unit a horrible stare........

geez I was just plain straight pezzed off!

I turned the TV on a couple of weeks ago. It doesn't get used that often - due to my inability to understand much of whats been said, and the last time I turned it on it wasn't just the language I had trouble comprehending! It was an afternoon show with a very attractive Japanese girl sitting on a stool answering questions, and as far as I could tell, regardless of a correct or incorrect answer, she would get smacked in the head by another Japanese bloke with a giant air filled plastic hammer. It was mesmerizing to watch and just odd. It seemed like a dating show whereby the contestants were competing for a moment of humiliation by an unknown old man....... I'd talk about it further....... if I had understood it - but I didn't.

Well at this point I am going to finish but leave you with a final discovery. While in the supermarket the other day I came across a box of crisps that reminded me of a youtube video made in tribute to an accent of the country I love so dearly.

Sometimes I feel beached as guys!

Ju ichi ban - dedicated to the delivery man with the same name as in the post jew ban.

Ok so my updates are coming through fewer and further between now... but im by no means adjusted to living here, and i should make more of an effort to record these moments.

This time round i have the karate kids sensei guarding the recycling, health check ups and the Okayama Zoo to report

on.

Now recycling here is really huge - it should be known that Japan has a huge emphasis on recycling. Yes they do make a ridiculous amount of unnecessary garbage (for example individually wrapping each apple in plastic) but they do have a recycling system here that most people try to follow. So i have a recycling day assigned to my building and on this day (every second Sunday i think it is) you have a drop point where you take your glass/plastic and boxes etc to be sorted and recycled. Now i have been heading down normally rather late in the evening when the person assigned to look after the station has gone home, but the last time i went he was still there...... He was a short yet intimidating looking fellow who looked like Mr Miyagi out of the film karate kid. I waltz on up and being unable to read a single recycling box label attempted to apologise and ask where my bottles went - it was at this point that im sure i got told i was stupid and that i couldn't bring my bottles down today (im thinking its once a month now for bottles). I asked if i could leave them with him and he said "no" then i asked if i could go and he said "no" while all this time mumbling rather grumpy tones. So im stuck with an obviously annoyed old guy who looks like a karate master ready to explode with his ninja skills, bumbling about throwing my bottles around and giving me nasty looks an

d then every time i try to leave he arcs up. So to cut the story short i stood there for a good 15 minutes while i got a Japanese bollocking for something im a little unsure of but i know to do my recycling in the evenings and throw my bottles wherever i want from now on!

Last week work required us to get down the hospital for a check up - they take your blood and urine and check you weight and height as well as do chest x-rays etc etc... this was all good but i wish they had given me a set of slip on shoes that actually fit instead of a pair that my foot only half fit into and in turn made me shuffle like an old man around the ward..... one size fits all - if you're the one size that everyone else is! Now it was a very surreal event to go to one of these hospitals for a checkup - it was almost like the fast food version of health care where the number of customers that passed through were just as important as the checks they were doing. You went from station to station with the end goal being that you have a chat about your checks with your doc. I got to the end and im pretty certain my doctor barely looked me in the eye more than once and she didn't speak a word to me, she motioned for me to open my mouth and her assistant held my head like i was about to get ECT therapy, while she looked do

wn my throat, it wasn't like i was going to run anywhere? Anyway im wondering if my next visit will be more enlightening.

Last week i visited the local zoo with the children from our school. I felt a little bad for the animals but the kids seemed to love it. The zoo is basically the Ikeda family's backyard that they opened to the public. Its rich folk showing off exotic animals but the fact that it was family owned explained why one of the enclosures had dogs on display. The turtles covered in algae and lions that slept the day away looked rather nonchalant about their confinements which did nothing to give any sense of a natural habitat, and the wallabies in their cages looked like the emo kids of the animal kingdom! I did take some time out to have a little chat with a cow while i was there - i informed him as he licked my hand with his dirt ridden tongue that in my previous job we may have met under different circumstances.......... it was at this reflective and nostalgic point that i felt bad and had to buy him some food out of the vending machine........... i get the feeling that if he isn't fed by suckers from the public then he isn't fed at all cause he chowed my biscuits down so fast i almost lost a finger!

Oh yeah and i think i got swine flu... Last night i was talking to my imaginary friend thinking if i don't wake up in the morning maybe i should have cleaned up a little more. Now im sporting a choice as face mask!

Jew ban - No this title has no anti semitic relationships, its just a number!

Let me re-introduce myself it been soo long - Hajimemashite Kane desu....

I apologise for my inability to update this more regularily - but I must admit I suffer from a terrible disease that has rendered me incapable over the last month from attending to this blog like I should be - its called lazyness.

This time i begin by asking myself - Over the last month what has inspired me so much that i feel the need to write about this time? Oh damn it, I've drawn a blank......... again! Hmmmm if I just start typing things should happen.

Well to pick up from where i left you last i know some of you are wondering how things are going with the new female friend..... sadly it has all come to an end - short lived but enjoyable, she really was a lovely girl. I think the inability to convey simple ideas to one another may have worked against us a little - but in another life when we are both born again as praying mantis I'm sure we will understand one another much more effectively! I must say, her confusion with the word home and homo did make me laugh - you can imagine the side ways l

ooks when the night draws to an end and she announces to you that its time to leave? - "Lets go homo!"

Now shopping here - it never ceases to amaze me! I went down the other day to buy washing powder and normally i think most people who don't know what they are buying here kinda find an item that they know works and stick with it..... but when your item to buy is out of stock your world falls apart! You're walking the shop isles like a lost pup unwittingly purchasing floor cleaner to wash your clothes with......... life can only get easier if you mi

ss the washing machine while pouring it in!

While on the topic of shops and food i have to quickly mention marketing here - I'm not really even a fan of chocolate (where is this going you might ask?) but i found myself buying a

block of it just the other day based on its marketing - how can you walk past something and not become curious when its name is "LOOK"?

Ok enough about the food aye? So I gave the Karaoke buzz another go - i thought when in "Rome do as the Romans do" - nup...... its just not on. I gave it a solid effort while i was there (obviously few beers under the influence) but......... an awesome sound system pushed into a room just big enough for a dining table while blaring out the sound of your own voice screaming a god awful rendition of some queen song you barely know doesn't tickle my fancy that much - i must admit watching the other characters i was with bang out their songs while screaming almost inaudible conversations to one another was pretty fun though..... however, a converted Karaoke fan i don't think your going to see happen with this kiwi!

Now I had a TV delivered from a very generous mate in Tokyo (cheers Russ bro!) - but I'm buggered if i have used it much...... i don't know why i thought at least one channel was going to be English spoken???? I think it was at this point it dawned on me that life is well and truly immersed in Japanese right now! The guy who dropped it off was called Jew ichi - this is eleven in English..... I found this kind of amusing - what were his parents thinking? Maybe he has 10 brothers or sisters i thought and his parents became sick of coming up with new names by the time he arrived? This was just a little moment i had that i thought i would share with you as i didn't think it was appropriate to bring up with him. !

Oh and a shout out to the work security - I have Internet at home now so no more late nights at work for me, having to deal with you calling up and wanting me to answer half a dozen questions in Japanese while my brother listens to, and laughs at me, on skype, at my most awesome Japanese skills. A little achievement im happy to have sorted out now only 6 months into my stay!

You maybe reading this in the morning but its night for me so Oyasumi!

Kyu ban - a dinner of sorts, a no pants party and theres something in my canal!

Ok so i last left you with my introduction to a Japanese girl on a camping trip..... after the camp, with the help of a book (that was ever so kindly given to me by a very good friend before i left), I was able to ask her out for a meal and thus I took her out for dinner, the story of this evening is where we shall begin this continuation of the chronicles of Kane.

To avoiding boring you with grandiose descriptions of how i felt before we went out i will just say that 15 mins before we were supposed to meet i had butterflies that were flying so high i felt like my stomach was in my neck. It wasn't the nerves of boy meets girl but the nerves of boy cant speak English with girl........... OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!? A friend from work has given me an electronic translation dictionary for the evening - in my hands i hold my life line to not dying an ever so slow and painful death........ i look up the word "nervous" as i sit and wait - Fuan desu.

She arrives and we go and eat - im not going to go into the events of the evening in depth but one moment that stands out for me was the inability to decipher the (what seemed like) completely irregular brush strokes on the menu - oh geez I cant order anything on here! Another critical factor i have failed to consider, I let her take the reigns with ordering and agree with everything she decides to get - berru - i know that one! HAI! The meal and conversation was not as tough as you may imagine it to be - we both struggled at times, but with a little persistence our point was made (or so we thought - for the record there is nothing tasty about eating a filter - let alone the one called a liver!). The evening went well and even though there was a combination of poor Japanese and equally poor English we came out the other end smiling happily - its funny how some people who speak perfect English can annoy you just being in their presence yet someone who barely speaks English can have you in fits of laughter and enjoying their company....... ohh to understand what is really happening in our heads when we meet someone new.

Now the other point i have to quickly make here is that Japanese girls do seem to be very subservient - she came over the other day and I took a shower...... thinking she would most likely entertain herself in my house full of excitement (it is admittedly an empty house), I came out to find all my washing had been ironed, my lounge had been tidied and my dishes were at that moment being washed............ it was just weird, but nice weird.

So last week I went to a pool party - there was a pool and a party and a couple of naked dudes - i dont want to talk about it ever again. The food was great - bbqs made from empty barrels cut in half and put on poles covered with chicken wire is an untapped market here........ or so i believe, and its what i think that makes the most sense (to me anyway).

I should also mention Japans mind boggling maze of canals... you wouldn't think it, but this place has so many you would be mistaken for living somewhere in Europe below sea level, if only the number of people with almond shaped eyes didnt give it away.... outside my house i was doing a sideways shimmy to the supermarket and noticed the level of water in the canal had dropped dramatically, I peered in and was surprised to see not one or two fish but tens of fish surrounding and undoubtedly annoying a much larger fish (it was at least the length of my fore arm)! I continued to stroll a little further, and thinking i had seen a one off, I was rather chuffed at myself for spotting this, however I looked in again to see another two massive fish......... so this is where all that bloody sushi is coming from i thought - to the supermarket to by a hook, line and sinker!

Oh yeah and also very quickly - They had a solar eclipse here the other day, staring at the sun without having the correct glasses doesn't make you tough, it makes you stupid with sore eyes.

I hope you're all smiling and listening to what your mother says! Till next time Ja-ne from this Zespri abroad.

Hachi ban - monkey madness, head harrassment and a warm awakening.

Right 3 main topics this time round - Hairdressing, hot chicks and heat waves.

First things first though - Due to a number of requests regarding updates on here and not receiving notifications and blah blah blah if you start following this blog on the left hand side of your screen then I will recognise this as an open invitation to email and remind you - alternatively if you know my email address then you can request an update.... I stopped emailing this rubbish out because i wasn't sure if everyone (apart from my mother x) particularly enjoyed receiving it through email..... turns out a few of you didn't mind.

righty ho and with that being said and done lets get back to it aye?

So we shall start the tales with hair dressing this time round - I went in for a cut and came out with a head that feels like its spent an evening in a gentlemans club.

Ok so its a Wednesday afternoon..... I know I can spare 15 minutes or so as i have no classes in the afternoon - I decide its time to tidy this mo-hawk monstrosity on top of my head up (also for other reasons that will become more apparent later on). I walk down the road to the hairdressers and case the place first..... Its the kind of "across the road pacing" that one might see if they were a fly on the wall to a burglary that is about to happen. "Na - to many cars" i think to myself as a pound the foot path on the opposite side of the road, "If im going to make a dick of myself not being able to speak properly then im doing it in front of the least amount of people possible". Instead I choose a location 200 meters up the road which luckily for me is without a single customer inside. I blurt the only Japanese i know all too well which is basically a certifiable statement that im a dunce.... "Japanese i dont understand".

Im bowed to (which just means 'game on' as far as im concerned) and im lead to my hair wash super head touching chair, a towel is placed over my uncontrolled smiling face and the erotic finger dancing on my skull begins.... you know that feeling just before you go to sleep and your body twitches as you bounce back to reality - i was there. So i dont need to really go into details here but i got my haircut and skull touched and then washed 3 times - i found it kinda funny that they would put gel in my hair then wash it again only to put gel in it again. They gave my back a massage (unrelated to my head im sure, but i have since been told it is part of the treatment) and at this point the girl tried speaking English to me - i forget what she said but im sure my response was closer to that of a well drunk sounding kiwi. At the end of it all it cost me a good 70 bucks at least, but hey honestly is was all well worth every yen dropped.....

Now the heat here is not only (suprise surprise again) hot but an excuse to be noisy - well the bloody cicadas seem to think so anyway. Have you ever been on a farm and heard those massive irrigation hoses... they click back and forward shooting out a jet of water. Now multiply that 1 irrigation system by 1000 and you have something close to the noise i hear most mornings that i wake. Kinda bugging i find it.

I went back to Nimi last weekend and became a mosquito main course. We were going back for a camping session this time and an arranged meeting - i got the aforementioned haircut (you dont get a chance to make first impressions twice and i wasnt making mine with a bloody mankhawk haircut!) for obvious reasons now. Im not going to go into it but it was an enjoyable weekend - i wasnt really expecting much but was plesantly surprised when she arrived. I think her not understanding a lick of english is a novelty for now, lets see how it really goes after this thursdays dinner meet without a translator ha ha

oh yeah and monkeys - i gotta mention the monkeys! Honestly no more than 100 meters from our tent a bunch of super swinging monkeys rocked passed - they were just on the hunt for berries i think. I was sitting there watching a tree rock and sway so unaturally i thought an asian fulla was going to bust out of the bush. I asked the girl i was standing with "what the hell is going on with that tree"? With no clue what so ever we both decided to go and investigate. We got within 50 meters of the tree and a monkey pokes his head out - he was stuffing his face with berries and as quickly as we saw him he swung off........ We stood and watched the hillside for a while and quickly realised he wasnt alone - im not sure how many of the little buggers there were but im sure i saw one mate that i left back in New Zealand swing by.

Take it easy, dont be sleazy, this kiwi is super rockin Japaneasy!

Nana Ban - lets play with something, how about your life?

So where to start with the tales of stupidity this time? The beginning is always a good place to start.......

Last weekend I took a cab home from the pub in town..... after the owner of the pub had closed the bar down, we both strolled toward the taxi stand - he asked me as we walked toward the cab if i knew my address..... I repeated my address to him and then he asked me if i knew where i lived, i thought that because he was Australian this might explain in part his reasoning for asking me the same question twice and then just wording it differently......... However not realising in my slightly inebriated state that these two questions are far from being the same!

I get in the cab and bid farewell to my Australasian publican and his Japanese girlfriend. I rattle of my address which almost states everything including the planet I live on an we begin to move - driving driving driving........ I wonder if we should be home by now I think to myself? Then he starts to speak Japanese to me - "geez mate steady on - I don't know what your saying - take me to the supermarket..." I reply. God I know my address but I'm probably saying it wrong - I have no idea where I live......... Thaaaats what the publican meant!! Arghhh - I know the supermarket is by my house and its called "Happy's" - "hey mate take me to Happy's, Happy's, Happy's"..... in any other country and I would have possibly ended up in some other compromising situation by proclaiming that - but luckily for me I got home.... oh to be happy I thought..... but the poor driver I could tell was not happy and not about to pick up another foreigner in a rush.

So last weekend I went out to a place called Nimi.... now theres not much that rivals the ongoing blissful beauty that is the New Zealand landscape - but if Japan and New Zealand were drunken blokes in a bar......... well................. Japan wouldn't be blamed for having the unprovoked balls to poke New Zealand in his chest with Nimi standing in Japans corner.

This place was postcard picture perfect - the trees covered the hills with a leaf that seemed unnaturally soft to look at, the water was like a mirror that had been slid up alongside the lake bank reflecting everything that looked down upon it and we baked in sun that almost found you searching for shade.

The people I was with pulled out their kayaks and I abstained from this venture for reasons obvious to some....... taking in my surroundings and enjoying the company of a frog with a florescent green stripe down its back was entertaining enough...... and simple things amuse those with simple of minds I guess...... a friend and I looked after the bbq anyway (small side note - girls in Asia and Europe just want to play with bbqs like girls in New Zealand...... it doesn't matter where you are, the female form are yet to comprehend that the bbq is a mans out door kitchen - you've got one in the house we dont play with so dont play with ours when we are outdoors).

The others come back and we feast on Japanese bbq which is like a pretty and dainty version of a kiwi bbq, thin strips of meat with kebabs of chicken and asparagus......... it really is fantastic!

So we finish up - we get a few beers in us and the others decide to go kayaking again - only this time im not getting out of it. I remember kayaking at college - taming the Otaki forks and floundering around in the Waikanae pools as we learnt Eskimo rolls (is it an Inuit roll now to get all p.c?). We have a 2 seater kayak that the others kindly hold while I squeeze inside..... its a bit tight I think, but hey I remember how to vacate a kayak if anything goes wrong..... and like anything is going to go wrong anyway ha ha - we've only been drinking a little (hic) im partnered with a kayaking newbie and I haven't done this in over 10 years....... Lets go destroy this lake!

So we paddle off and within 10 minutes (if that) of leaving the dock we realise something is horribly wrong with the boat (most likely the passengers). We are struggling to keep it going straight and we are doing massive bumble bee turns on the water.......... just take it nice and easy, nice and easy................ oh bugger that, lets just splash each other! Half in a state of wanting to play and half in a state of wanting to sort out the damn boats steering im not paying much attention to the other kayak which is barreling straight for us........ this is when my chest apparently attacked another kayakers oar - the post event claim if things had turned really sour and the police were to be asking questions (my uncontrollable chest, does something sound a little off here ha ha ha). The boat tips and it rolls left once, it rolls left twice, im thinking we're still ok...... third time was not so lucky and over we go....... now what i remember from what we were taught at school was to correct the oar, flip the boat up again, paddle inland and do a haka.... However I went under, biffed my oar, and attempted to roll out of the kayak................hmmm im stuck in a kayak under water, without my oar, upside down and running out of air......... was that last beer such a good idea i wonder? Its funny how the green haze of the lake just calms you as you batter yourself to remove the kayak your attached to....... I come up for air to faces staring very concernedly at the water that I've just pierced through...... theres silence for all of two seconds followed by an uncontrollable laughter - as my kayaking partner swims closer i notice the water gets warmer - oh the hilarity of the stupidity of the situation i find myself in! I think it was a solid 5 minutes of laughing before i can bring myself to actually accuse the aforementioned of relieving himself in the water.......... for which he strongly yet smilingly denies. Im towed ashore with a kayak full of water and another body hanging on to empty our vessel and attempt stupidity 101 again, however second time around it is a much more sober affair......... I mean how do you splash someone satisfactorily if you've already tried drowning them?

Theres more to tell but for now i will leave it at that - I hope your all sitting up straight with your arms folded behaving yourself!

K

Roku ban - A garden without dirt?

Again beginnings.....

To paraphrase someone i know all too well - The way you write seems to be unrepresentative of the way you speak when i call you on skype.... Now to quote - "you write like a smart person but when i talk to you ya still sound like a rangi bro."

Thank-you for your honesty little bro.

So its started to rain outside - apparently its a cycle... a yearly event that happens (surprise surprise) every year. The rain lasts 2 weeks and then you endure a level of humidity close to the feeling, that could accurately be described as living in a bowl of jelly (this is how i have interpreted what i have been told anyway).

Pff - bring it...

So as i do most weekends, i find myself standing in the supermarket intrigued, while at the same time oblivious to every label that surrounds me.... im not going to try and make this sound any smarter than it was, but have you ever bought a beer only to find out its a super fizzy apple juice? Yeah probably not - it was gutting - but then it gets worse when a friend comes round and tells you the beer you thought you had bought is actually called "kids drink"....... yeah even more dissapointing.

Speaking of beer, I went out to a beer "garden" last weekend - a brilliant idea that would never work in New Zealand (due to our national inherent nature to excessively drink till we do something stupid or collapse) but it was fascinating non the less. Basically you pay $50.00 and you can eat and drink all you want for a two hour period... no one told us to leave so we stayed till closing enjoying the delights of hot saki (which seems to all of a sudden hit you like a left hook, unsuspectingly delivered by a fat girl at a cake eating competition because you looked at her cake with desire). The event was held on the roof of some high rise building in the middle of town that they had covered in astro turf and decked out with outdoor dining..... I did enjoy the evening and i feel as though the evening enjoyed me.

Ok so im going to cut out now and go explain the spoken difference between 1 woman and a group of women to a group of 7 year olds (some of you will understand this ever so tough pronuciation for me).

play nicely now........

K

Go ban - Is that edible?

The word blog just makes me think of bogans...... so this probably wont end well.

As im sitting here at my desk i think about the children that im supposed to be teaching and how i could incorporate safety around the home into this months lesson plan...... may be i should go and teach them how running with knives or scissors isnt safe........ while i contemplate this thought i also have to consider how much damage could be done with one unsupervised 5 year old and a box of matches...... ahhh theres only 50 matches in the box and its not like i left him with a lighter right?? Lighters seem to last forever, matches do run out.... eventually, and its not like I gave him any cigarettes!

Now with 50 matches of spare time I can update you with my travels again.....

I have now got myself hooked up with a..... small, black, inexpensive communicator..... named candy, na its just a phone and it doesnt have a strippers name. The phones here are pretty cool.... they all have buttons (no surprises there), but im not sure what half of the buttons do - it was a purchase that in previous years would have fascinated me but now im finding is super overwhelming.... click this to do that and click that to do this and then you have text messaging that is more about sending little pictures of your desires as opposed to letters to create words that state your actual wishes (which seems much more logical to me).

Anyway (cellphone stupidness out of the way)......... I went out to a true blue foreigner get together the other night, it was great.... we sat around and drunk and talked and drunk a little more and talked a little louder and louder and then smacked out a few chords of rockband......... its a universal source of entertainment but I still hate karaoke with a vengence! Karaoke just seems to be like verbal heroin here - if your not hooked when you arrive then you will be when you leave and i refuse to entertain that possibility. Some say "its about having confidence to get up and sing a few lines for everyone - show your balls" i say "leave it to those who can sing..................... which isnt you so SIT DOWN"! At the end of the day - the place where this idiocy took place was gorgeous.... a rather big Japanese style house set in the country - oh the coolness of it all!

I went out last night and fulfilled that desire i have had since i arrived.......i ate a whale, well not a whole one but i took 2 bites out of one - its really not worth the green peace aggression the Japanese get from going after it..... speaking of eating weird stuff.... i just ate what i thought was sherbert and it wasnt...... my fingers are dyed red and my mouth is red too.......... god help me if that was rat poison...... everyday not knowing how to read turns your life into a game of roulette.

Before i wrap it up i have to send a shout out to my mother and father - well done on your Qatar appointment! You're never too old to get involved right!!!!??

Oh yeah and im on skype now so it would be good to here from one or two of you - my name in Japan should find me quickly enough.

so slap ya later

chur chur bros

K

Shi ban - alone in a land of togetherness.

* Photo missing

Dear you,

The worst thing about writing a blog, is having to write the first line..... its like thinking of something witty or different to write inside a birthday card..... no matter how many times you write and erase your efforts, these attempts never seem to be funny, interesting, thoughtful or quirky enough....... and you end up just settling with some mindless generic drivel.... so happy birthday to all of you even if its not your birthday.

Now my adventures to date have not lessened by any extent - and this place, as most of you who read these rants will be aware, is just nuts.

I have shifted into my own apartment and am enjoying my own space - its larger than a shoebox but smaller than an Egyptian pyramid...... now hows that for a definitive description? Basically its all good and gives me time to get away from everyone and everyone has time to get away from me....

I went shopping the other day for groceries...... god what a trip!!! They have amazing fruit and vege here that tastes so fresh and clean......... don't mind the fact that you going to pay about $20 for a watermelon however!??!!? Yeah yeah - they do get some nice fresh stuff floating about over here (i heard they picked up a drifting whale the other day........ did a few experiments on it and ate the rest...... pff floating freshness!) but you are paying top dollar for that freshness.

I cannot begin to explain dining in Japan. Its like most things here - they haven't invented anything ground breaking or new for themselves - but god, give them an idea that someone else came up with and they can deconstruct it and re-invent it beautifully........... most of the time. They have a huge emphasis on bakeries here but alas no meat pies or baked potatoes....... maybe i could introduce these fine Kiwi/Brit delicacies and find some Asian lass who maybe able to recreate them inclusive of a built in desert of some sort........ or maybe i am just wishful thinking.

I have been back to cult city again (Tendi) - and i have decided i am going to return home to New Zealand at a later date and start my own religion............ There is so much money involved the deceptive arts of religious belief...... And so thus the church of Roperdium shall be born. I have previously discussed this with one person who i believe will enter into this venture with me, and like Scientology i am going to go down the path of "no questions will be answered until i receive monies" - but until then just know that your life is going to be sooo much better belonging to my church...... $5000 min payment.

Now sunsets...... i don't know what it is with this place, maybe it is its location on the globe or something - but the sunsets here are just wow - big, watchable, and reddy orange (funny that, the colour thing, being that it is a sun Kane you fool)........ now they should call this place "land of the setting sun" instead of "land of the rising sun" - i hate mornings and i assume so do most of you - so just think how much more inviting this place could sound if it was "land of the setting sun".......... I'm already thinking island music with Japanese/Hawaiian girls dancing in the foreground of a blissfully fading red hot circle of fire - oh how inviting..... but hey that's just the idea of one Gaijin (foreigner) abroad.

My language skills are building slowly - and i should be able to produce a full sentence understandably in English really soon! My Japanese is getting somewhat better also - but i still have that feeling of needing my hand held......... i cant help but think everything that comes out of my mouth in Japanese is being pronounced wrongly....... it reminds me a lot of speaking English in Britain ha ha

The school kids are a blast - and through self indulgence and by popular demand, I have attached a photo of two of the terrors who teach me more than i teach them....... Junpei and Shuto.

And with that i shall depart by saying, yet again - i have forgotten more than i remembered but it all adds to the tale to be told next time....

So from the Zespri silver in Japan i bid you all farewell till then.

Ja-ne folks :)

San ban - Religion is for the religious..

A rule to remember.........

You should never start writing letters if you don't know what you're going to say, and you should NEVER ever ever under any circumstance start to write a blog if you're in the same mindset aforementioned......... Ok so I have already broken that rule now.

Well last time i wrote to all of you, i bleated about the food, driving, electronics and general way in which this wide eyed walking zebra (zebra being the nick name some of the children gave me when they first saw my new hairstyle) was not ready for this environment......

but now!!!!!

Im still baffled at times by this culture! I have so much to tell - but only a limited amount of time before i lose you (if i haven't already) with interest of my tales.

Lets start with my travels - I went to a place called Nara. It is a beautiful city where deer roam the streets and only attack you if you dont have food for them, I just wanted to pat one without having to pay for over priced rat food for crying out loud! In Nara i went to a temple called the Todaiji that would dwarf even the largest of dutch folk...... there is something about a massive structure made of wood that supersedes the wow factor of something really huge made of concrete or iron..... maybe only just.

After that i stumbled blindly into another temple where they were about to have a little prayer session - i wanted to experience it for myself so i waltz on in also..... my cousin wasn't having a bar of it and went back to the car - "religion is for the religious" he proclaimed - of which he is not.......... i am not religious myself as most of you know - but i did want to see what all the fuss was about......... my error in curiosity was made here if i wasn't prepared for emotional discomfort. Sure enough i walked in and sat near the front on my knees like a good catholic school boy (no pun intended) and I was surrounded by 50 others...... within 5 mins that 50 had turned into at least 500 and this is where i lost speculative count. Ok ok so im sitting in a temple looking like a lost European puppy with a zebra mane haircut with almost front row seats and then about 15 mystic looking hooded priests walk out and one of them bangs on a huge gong! Everyone claps four times and folds over to praying position and chants some chant............ its at this point in time i feel as thou im not ready to witness the sacrificial killing of a young virgin child - and even thou i may have witnessed the killing of millions of lambs in my lifetime - this is one time i wouldn't be to comfortable with reliving my meat works days......... luckily it didnt amount to this but it was 25 mins of chanting and bowing and clapping i had to endure, and at the end of it all, as strange as it had been - im glad i didnt join my cousin to sit it out in the car....... it was a moment in time that wont leave my thoughts quickly.

I thought as i left the temple my religious experience was going to end there - little did i know (theres a theme of not knowing much building here isnt there?). We got beer essentials and returned to our hostel........ this is where i learnt outside of the temple this religion is based on getting waste faced and having a good time. Back at the hostel i think my cousin and i were the only ones not committed to this religion and everyone was drinking themselves batty. We found our room and were shortly after introduced to two wonderful blokes who came for a beer with us..... those two very quickly turned into five (one of them just so happened to be the head of the church and was the most battered - he was genuinely charming) and thus proved to me that its not what you drink but who you drink with that makes for good conversation.

I could go on and on about the strange events of that evening but if i haven't already lost you then im about to if i dont change the topic.

So i travelled to Kyoto the next day - google it for an explanation i shall have to deliver this story another day.

The school and children are fantastic - i try to recall what it was like to be young and believe anything and everything - when i was a child i remember travelling with my father to the south island one time on the bus and the driver said "on your left hand side you should be able to see the ferry......." i looked for what seemed like my whole childhood but couldn't see the FAIRY...... this is the only comparison i can make but i remember being so disappointed years later when i found out the true meaning, so i try to be as clear and as obvious with the children as possible.

My boss is fantastic and has bent over backward helping me get established...... he gave me a laptop the other day so im well chuffed..... i have an apartment that i shift into on the 11th for which he lent me the bond for also......... i think it was something like 2 months in advance and gift payments blah blah so its not small money.

My cousin has been fantastic - i know 2 days in the same room as Kane can get on your wick very quickly - but he has weathered the storm like a trooper.........(although he did shoot me and draw blood the other day) hats off cuz.

Food - hmm im still chucking back something new each week and my latest venture that stands out for me was caviar (fish eggs)......... yes i could gorge myself on the food here. Im coming home fat my friends ha ha! "Yeah right" - a fat Kane ha ha ha.

Now as usual im going to complain about the driving - but im going to keep reserved about it, i just want to reiterate that its worse than my driving on the right hand side of the road. Speaking of driving on the right hand side of the road, I saw a bloke on a scooter the other day casually riding on the right hand side of the road - either he had just come back from the states or Europe or he just thought it was ok and he could fit between the gutter and all the oncoming traffic........ either way he was an idiot.

Well if you have made it this far with the "Kane version" of brief blog then well done! I miss all 6 of you very much and the comforts of familiarity are present............

Hey just quickly - anybody managed to catch that pig spreading his cough in NZ? And if any of you have caught the cough but not the pig - well in the words of a wise man who once said.......... best thing for you is to "go walk it off".

Ja-ne from the Zebra (Zespri silver) abroad.

K

Nee ban - Japaneasing myself into it......

I have been here over a month now - its been a blast and a real eye opener........ the cultural differences are huge. I have been introduced to a number of things, all of which i at some certain level thought i was ready for but during these new experiences then realised i had quietly and completely mis-judged these moments...... for example i thought they all just ate rice and whale here......... maybe the occasional cat or dog..... the food here so far has been far from tiresome. Yes a lot of it is rice and you're going to turn into a walking paddy field if you dont mix it up - but mixing it up so far has resulted in me eating raw chicken, cartilage bits, raw liver and the heart of some animal i know wasn't a chicken because it was too big, and wasn't a lamb because it was too small.......... the questions surrounding that evening out hmmmmmmmmm (no whale eaten yet quintip or leon) ha ha.......

so i got myself along to a really flash karaoke bar here in Okayama..... i sung, i drunk, i went along with it.......... i still HATE karaoke and cant understand the neurological affliction associated with so many people liking it here...... cultural difference exhibit b!

I visited Hiroshima (peace museum very moving), Osaka (i flew in their too so blah blah), and Kobe (earthquake massiveness) over the last few weekends - Hiroshima you cant really plan for - any expectation you have will not be what you find in this alive and busy, yet historically sad city.

Electronics - 2 of the 5 people reading this have asked me about it and.......... its the same as back home - just done better, and more you have much more selection regarding whats on offer. I saw a navigation system for your car the other day that was in (accurate to your surroundings) 3D........and an external hard drive........ wow wee you may say but...... it was a terabyte for $200..... thats nz dollars......... or as my cousin says "5 really nice shiny stones from back home should do it"!

Well i have my classroom now......... new new new sums it up best. Everything is spik and sp sp sp span spanking new.

about 15 children over two classes ranging from 4 years old to 6 years old....... you cant help but feel, as one friend put it, "a little paternal".

which brings me to my next point....... i swear without a word of a doubt i have been asked "would you like a girlfriend"? and been given a short list of desirable ready for the ongoing tasks of serving my needs, on multiple occasions all be it only missing a brochure or pamphlet to order them with......

Now driving (sorry mum but this really gets on my goat and expletives till now have been well restrained) - these guys are SHIT! Everyone here is living in a bubble, and driving around with those things that race horses use to cover their eyes! I was out with one of the girls from work the other night and she backed up to the restaurant that we were going to..... back..... back..... back..... SMACK. She basically backed her car into the front door of the restaurant at walking speed......... and if i didnt think that was bad - well i got a huge surprise the other day when i saw a guy who had 3 lanes to choose from sitting at the lights on the wrong side of the road!!!!!! DUDE!! ARE ALL THE CARS COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING???? 3 LANE OPTIONS AND YOU PICK OPTION NUMBER 4.............. DICK HEAD!!!!!

ok rant over and done with......... and so too shall i end the bigger blah biddy blah here......... i have a class to go and join........ i wonder how much is being learnt when all the kids do is throw balls at the teacher........... maybe japans next shot putt team i have in the making.... their aim is getting better!

oh yeah and random tidbit i have learnt - the masks they wear that i always thought was to protect from pollution.......... not the case at all. Its to protect others from sickness - if you see someone wearing the mask then they are probably feeling a little sick themselves and are wearing it to protect YOU from getting sick.

and cherry blossoms are........... just WOW......... so gorgeous.

So from here in Japan, catch ya later bros!

chur chur

Ichi ban - The Kiwi Zespri has landed!

Hey guys and Steve in Europe (you know who you are),

I'm sitting in my classroom right now - its all good here - and to save myself a bit of time im going to bloggerise myself, now there seems to be no structure to this bleat so you will notice it is all over the show but blah blah just read it for an update - alternatively if you think you could do without it then you should all have a window close button nearby..... the question is what brought you here in the first place?

now its very different to back in nz, or even Europe for that.... they have a different attitude in regards to how one should live life, its all very courteous and giving and everyone respects one anothers stuff - since being here i havent seen one mark on any buildings....... tagging doesn't exist which is nice. the only pricks here are foreigners apparently - so im trying to avoid that band wagon. (oh yeah and the yakuza who are a nasty piece of work....... they mess with you if you mess with them - a not so in your face gang - but very horrible all the same).

food is healthy - super healthy........ its like this, i just had a drink which had 7 vegetables and 3 fruits in it and it tasted like pure grape juice...... they know how to do funky things with food..... no preservatives and 0% sugar........ i have found the whale meat.... mean as steaks of it guys... so now to go buy it and eat it!......... watch this space.

i have a boss who i havn't spoken a word of sense to yet....... he knows English like i know Japanese. i have done one week of observing - next week i teach and then the week after im solo....... i love it! the kids are so cool.... im teaching around 5 years of age - the English is as good as a 5 year old in nz and they are super curious.

the girls here are surprisingly fit - im not an Asian girl fan, but you cant ignore some of the beauty out there..... and a European looking bloke like myself draws some attention for sure......... none i have yet to encounter as being bad ha ha..... now what to say to them? konichiwa hite hite!

im living with my cousin at the moment on a couch in a house for which its entirety wouldn't be bigger than a large lounge back in nz ha ha na that's an exaggeration - think of it like one room big enough for a double bed then times that by 7 now put a kitchen and bathroom into that space...... oh yeah and a wash room, a lounge and a bedroom..... hmm maybe its easier if i just send photos....... either way its not that tiny.

technology here supersedes the west (no surprises there aye stu!) with every toilet seat being heated and every car having a tv in the dashboard ha ha....... absolutely mad (and the discovery has only just begun)...... and the stereotype about Asians and shit driving has been nothing but been re - enforced coming here - i saw a guy yesterday try and do a u turn from hard left to the opposite side of a 4 lane main street! Dick! and then you have red light runners who stop first then half way through a light change have a brain melt down and decide to go........ idiots..... but im sure this all comes back to bloody tvs in the dashboards of cars here!!!!!!!!!

everyday im eating something new..... i had raw octopus yesterday and im going to give fish eggs a go tonight. The octopus suckers pop in your mouth......... my cousin says i have to stop bringing all this weird shitty asian food home ha ha but im here to get involved right?!?!?

gambling is a big no no here - you can do it as long as money isnt involved....... so my first weekend here had me found at the center of an illegal poker tournament...... i made it to the last 4 and then bust..... 10 or so players....... the game i could follow - the chatter in between i couldn't......

immigration - for those of you who didn't already know..... they didn't stick a finger up my bum - but they did hold me in a cell for over an hour.... language issues and visa worries - once i figured out what was going on it had kinda sorted itself out....... ha ha

i got on the train after a mind boggling mission trying to understand where the trains actually were......... and they had employed 3 people to stand at the end of the platform and wave goodbye to the train - what a first (second , third) impression......!

the ticket guy came along asked me for my ticket then everyone elses one by one....... then once all were collected he returned to the middle of the train and thanked everyone - either that or he told everyone to get stuffed and not to sit on the train longer than your paid for stop......... i wasn't too sure obviously - but he seemed nice enough. He then bowed about a million times and left.

this last week has had as many new "oh my god moments" in it that im overly eager to see what tonight brings let alone tommorrow!

arghhh so much more to tell but i have to run and catch some kids (and not in the scary trench coat and dark glasses fashion), i cant sit here all day on email.......... im now responsible for the youth of japan and thier ability to interact with western english speaking countries ohh the humor of it all is almost uncontainable! ha ha ha - hey everything is sweet as aint it kids?

i hope everything is well back home and abroad - mum sorry about the language in this blorerog but im sure you will overlook those areas ha ha

miss you all heaps and heaps

x x x